GST-NOMICS : HOW TO EAT YOUR POPCORN AND TAX IT TOO.

 I have little or no sympathy for those doubting Thomases who continue to question the stupendous growth of our economy-such people should be packed off to one of the coral reefs around the Great Nicobar, which shall soon be ground to dust once the mega-crony project there takes off; it will serve them right. For under the able guidance of she-who-does-not-eat-onions we have moved from being a "pakoda" economy to a "popcorn" economy, whose symbolism is matched by substance. Or at least, that's what the wiseacres of the GST (Grasping Shifting Tax) Council think.

At the Council meeting in the third week of December it was decided to pop the popcorn bubble that has made billionaires out of those multiplex barons, what with the popcorn costing more than the movie ticket! The soundest economic policy of all, according to Confucius, is that if you can't stop Peter from ripping off Paul, then ensure that you get your share of Peter's booty. And so, the GST on popcorn has three separate rates, rising to 18% for the carmelised, sugary variety. According to the halwa-eating lady, this is because when you carmelise the humble popcorn it becomes a sweet and should be taxed as such. Notice the hair splitting distinctions and the fine tuning done by our tax experts, who quite clearly have too much time on their hands. But here's a question for them that begs an answer: if one buys caramalised popcorn while watching a tax-exempted film like Kashmir Files, or Kerala Files or Sabarmati Report, will that popcorn also be exempted from GST? Because, since no one watches a film in a theater these days without munching on popcorns, if the stuff is not made tax free then no one is going to watch these movies, defeating the patriotic purpose behind making them tax free. And then, where is your fake nationalism? Just as there can be no FIR under the PMLA if there is no FIR in the predicate offence, similarly there should be no tax on popcorn if there is no tax on the movie itself. Makes sense, right?

A friend of mine who is still in government informs me, sotto voce, that the next target of the eagle-eyed Council will be the even humbler condom. Currently there is no GST on condoms, but by extending the carmelised popcorn logic, a GST of 18% is likely to be imposed on flavoured condoms as they shall come into the category of either sweets or fruits, depending on the flavour she fancies! Makes sense, if you ask me; with both sweets and fruits having become so expensive -18% and 12% GST, respectively, in case you didn't know- more and more people are getting their kicks out of flavoured condoms instead- strawberry, mango, chocolate, rajbhog- to satisfy their sweet, err, tooth. According to a tweet by the CEO of Swiggy on the 1st January 2025, condoms were among the most ordered items on 31st December-1.12. lakh packets on Swiggy and 4779 on Blinkit; the overwhelming favourite were the chocolate flavoured ones! The Finance Ministry may just be on the right trail to reduce its deficit.                                                                                         But wait, that's not all, dear reader, you haven't even begun to fathom the genius of our tax-man. It is also proposed that for condoms bought/used out of wed-lock the GST rate shall be 28%, for it then becomes a "sin goods". Brilliant, isn't it? One's marital status will be verified at the POS (Point of Sale, NOT Point of Sex) stage, for which the government shall shortly be issuing, and making mandatory, another ID document- the BAM ( Bespoke and Married) card. The card shall have to be renewed every year, given the rising incidence of divorces. Divorcees shall have to pay the 28% rate (if they still want to have sex, that is): another clever move by this Vishwaguru government to discourage divorces.

Clearly, our GST mandarins have gone berserk. As one social media influencer pointed out, the English had imposed a Salt Tax but our native born Tsars have gone one better by imposing a higher Sugar Tax. I'm told there's also a proposal to levy GST on the Sulabh Sauchalay; currently the service charge for taking a leak in one of them is Rs.5, but there might now be a GST of 18% levied for diabetics: they are passing sugar, you see.                                                                                                                                                         Consider next the ubiquitous biryani, a legacy of the much reviled Mughals but consumed by the ton by our sanatan dharm bhakts. Swiggy's annual report for 2024, released last week, informs us that it was the highest selling dish this year on their platform- 83 million dishes, or 3 per second! There is no GST on fresh meat or on rice, but put the two together in a biryani and, hey presto, it now has a GST of 12% ! And that's not all: if you eat it in an AC restaurant you will have to shell out GST of 18%, and if you wolf it down in a 5-star hotel the rate is now 28%. No wonder the astute Indian prefers to order it from Swiggy, where he pays  5% tax, (the rate may go up depending on whether it has an egg on it or not!)

However, give the devil his due (if not his tax)- our tax guys are faithful to that other adage of Confucius: If you have to be stupid, at least be consistent in your stupidity. To the point where our GST is now probably the most complex, illogical, avaricious and arcane tax in the world. As someone said: The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax it. It's not for nothing that the words "taxman" and "taxidermist" have their first three letters in common- the only difference is that whereas the latter takes only your skin, the former takes it all. As far back as in 1947 Churchill, while giving his famous doomsday prediction for India, had said that "a day will come when even air and water would be taxed in India". Ms. Sitharaman has the dubious distinction of making that prediction come true. Churchill did not mention shit, but don't cavil, folks, for even that is now being taxed in Himachal.