Add this

Saturday 27 February 2021

THE FINE ART OF LOSING FRIENDS.


  There are two certain ways to lose a friend: one, have an affair with his wife;  two, start a discussion on politics. The first can occasionally be a tempting prospect, for as the wise guy said: all good things in life are either illegal, immoral, too expensive or married to someone else. Having an affair just got easier too, with the Supreme Court (SC) ruling that adultery is not a crime. But a word of caution for my friends in the army who may be breaking out the champagne bottles - the Ministry of Defence has filed a review petition in the SC asking that it should continue to be illegal for army types.

  Apparently (the government feels) that the Army operates in peculiar conditions and the guys at the borders cannot really keep their sights on the Chinese and the Pakis if they are looking over their shoulders all the time to see who's inviting their spouses for a drink in the oui hours of the night. I agree. The SC does appear to be making things difficult for our Army Commanders- first it amends Article 377 of the Indian Penal Code, and now it decriminalises adultery, which is certainly a fair, gender neutral balance of sexual proclivities; but we can't convert our LAC and LOC into Sodom and Gomorrah, respectively, for God's sake! We're supposed to be screwing the  Chinese PLA, remember?

  Nearer home, I'm happy to confess that I've never lost a friend by "stealing the affections" of his wife, though I may have stolen a look or two at times when Neerja was looking the other way. And now it's too late, at 70 years any woman beyond ten feet looks like an abstract Henri Matisse  painting, and I've forgotten those lines from Shelley and Keats that made for good bait in one's Delhi University days. These days it's bhajans and the Hanuman Chalisa for me. The focus is on living longer, not living it up.

  So that leaves politics. I've been blogging now for a few years, partly as a reaction to the extremely limited scope for displaying my literary talents while in government. In those halcyon days my efforts were generally limited to inscribing  "For orders, please" or "Approved as proposed" on files. A longer sentence such as  "Hon'ble Minister may pass suitable orders in the light of noting above" was highly unusual and was considered a magnum opus by bureaucratic standards, causing much envy among colleagues.

 So now, like the lady of pleasure released after a two week quarantine, I'm letting it all out. During service one didn't meddle in politics, primarily because it was difficult to predict the winner of the next elections, and backing the wrong horse ensured a lifetime cleaning out the horse shit in the sarkari Augean stables. Post retirement, however, things have changed. As Pericles said in 430 BC: just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean that politics won't take an interest in you!

  And so, battered by one surgical strike after another- Aadhar, demonetisation, KYC (Know Your Client), Fast Tag, HSRP ( High Security Registration Plates), CAA (Citizen Amendment Act), NRC (National Register of Citizens), Farm laws, Lockdown- the worm turned and I started inflicting my thoughts on an unwary public and friends. I tried making sense of the political chaos around us, what with 2000 political parties headed by saints, dynasts, carpet baggers, crooks and rapists out on bail, godmen, megalomaniacs, and so on. I quickly figured out why India had so many parties: you see, no one political party can fool all the people all the time, that's why we have so many of them. Actually, it was Bob Hope who said that, but it was a good starting point.

  I make no secret of the fact that Mr. Modi would not be my candidate for the Nobel prize, or any other prize. I firmly believe that the BJP is responsible for all the ills of this country, except malaria, polio, and tuberculosis which, as we all know, were the result of Mr. Nehru's incompetence and a foreign conspiracy in the last century to malign us. Rihanna and Greta Thunberg may have had a hand in that too, but as the Delhi police are still investigating this bit, we may need another century or so to finally know. In my view the BJP is like a time machine which is taking us back to the primeval sludge from which we emerged with great difficulty. Which is why I have very few friends left, or relatives who are willing to admit that we share the same DNA. Statistics show that Mr. Modi enjoys the support of 40% of the voting population, but he has the support of 80% of the guys I know. And they are not happy about having nursed a viper in the family bosom all this time. Batch mates, when I phone them, prefer to listen to Amitabh Bacchan' s covid caller tune rather than talk to me; childhood friends from school have burnt all class photos where my mug scars the immediate landscape; the wife has moved into the guest bedroom; my younger son refuses to share the wi-fi password with me; my sister has decided against giving me the Glenfiddich bottle she had bought for me for Raakhi till I stop intoning  "Modi hai to bumpkin hai." There have even been times when I have caught my son's dog looking at my ankles in a thoughtful way: I am sure he is waiting for inspiration from the next "Man ki Baat" before launching a surgical strike on them- " When he goes low, I go lower!" as one of our diplomats famously didn't say in the UN.

  My views, as expected, have evoked radical responses which, unfortunately, Twitter has failed to censor. One Group Captain cast doubts on my paternity and even sent a complaint to the Prime Minister's Office (I will not divulge his name as such a man deserves to remain anonimo, as they say in Spain for a pain in the nether regions). But I will give him the benefit of doubt: it is possible that his mother dropped him on his head when he was a baby or his parachute failed to deploy on one of his jumps and he landed on his head, resulting in partial  damage to what passes for his brain. Others have questioned how I made it to the IAS, which is not new for me since this is the exact question the Director of our Academy asked me in 1975, and has been repeated by many Chief Secretaries since then. Kangana Ranaut has not yet tweeted on the issue, but that's probably because she is too busy dissing Rihanna and Greta Thunberg and comparing herself to Meryl Streep and Tom Cruise to read my blogs. She will find the time some day, however, and so I've cancelled my trip to Manali this summer- never depilate a lioness in her own den.

  Many curious readers have inquired about my contribution to the public good while in service, which is highly unfair, because the IAS was never intended to deliver that. One particularly rude chappie advised me to "Get some balls, Mr. Shukla!" I of course ignored him since I have plenty of golf balls, thank you, as also a few marbles. A few well travelled types have helpfully suggested that I move to Pakistan. There are even some who have sympathised with my family for having had to put up with me all these years- this one did strike a chord with my immediate descendants but as I still pay some of their EMIs nothing further has been said about it at the dinner table.

  The unkindest cut, however, was delivered by a gentleman whose name sounds like it came out of a superbike exhaust- Mr. Vroom. He wrote that my writings lacked sense, that he was not impressed with my style or vocabulary, and that "this much English even Chetan Bhagat can write!" That last bit really hurt, folks.

  Blogging, therefore, is a lonely profession (as you would have noticed from the above). Perhaps then I should switch to the micro-blogging sites? After all, how much trouble can one get into with just 140 words? But should I twitch on Twitter or coo on Koo? To consider this methinks I shall now betake myself to a cave near Kedarnath (if it has not been washed away by another glacier) and meditate on where I have been going wrong. It didn't enlighten Mr. Modi but it might just do something for me.

 

91 comments:

  1. Every word is joy.... My family is still trying to figure out the source of such mirth that brings forth tears with laughter mysteriously needing no company other than each phrase of this amazing blog! Can't list out how many instances of our '
    Hum drum' "civil" service have been given an artful make over by Mr Shukla in his inimitable style!;

    ReplyDelete
  2. This one is a riot. Enjoyed every word of it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Avay.. Tussi great ho. Please continue to be delightfully wicked, mischievous and irreverent.Romantic poets would term your writings as a " thing of beauty.. .et al.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Avay from thousands of miles away very early in the morning it brought huge smiles on my face !! Keep blogging !

    ReplyDelete
  5. Avay from thousands of miles away very early in the morning it brought huge smiles on my face !! Keep blogging !

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece, Avay. I am also 71. And have experienced many of relationships in new light since 2013.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am not "unknown". I am Vinod Jairath, retired from University of Hyderabad at the end of 2014.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Brilliant! Avay, please keep them coming. Had a very good laugh. Your English teachers must be smiling from above!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Loved it. Especially the part about Chetan the Bhagat.

    Keep writing....

    ReplyDelete
  10. You have to be gutsy and a bit insane to write such stuff. We have been directed neither to dissent nor to enjoy such words howsoever beautiful and truthful they may be.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A bit insane is right. The most significant Spot on the naval.

      Delete
    2. Wonderful piece. Keep it up.

      Delete
    3. Mr Shukla I am a retired fauji. I have been reading your articles for a long time now. I am much impressed by your knowledge and your vocabulary. This piece again, is a master's work. I myself find myself with the same predicament, I too carry on unabashedly! Pray continue.

      Delete
    4. You are simply HILARIOUS. Beautifully written. Being an artist and 75 years of age, I rolled with laughter looking at ladies from 10feetto see similarities between them and Henri Matisse paintings.
      Girish kaushik

      Delete
    5. "Note above"
      "We may seek the comments of DOP&T and Ministry Of Law before it is put up for consideration and approval of the hon'ble Minister"

      Delete
    6. What a joy. Sharing this with all my friends who think they are literarians.

      Delete
    7. Every word shines bright as the lunar glare in a full moon day

      Delete
  11. Avay, you encourage me to keep blogging. More power to your pen.

    ReplyDelete
  12. He he he -- carry on Avay
    These times can only be survived with a good laugh and you send an elixir.
    Zank U

    ReplyDelete
  13. Avay saab, you have the knack to subtly aim at magpie but finally hit bulls eye. Wonderful to read your blogs. Keep amusing us with your good humour.BTW why has Ajay gone quiet.?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Modi hai toh bumpkin hai. Great for a car sticker!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I suppose its the fresh air in the hills that brings out such wit. Very enjoyable

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hillarious, thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Already read twice. It is so interesting, that I feel like reading it again.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thoroughly enjoyable! Kept laughing the whole read!!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. It is write-ups such as these that keep me from "unfriending" you, Avay. Keep up the good work ...

    ReplyDelete
  19. There’s a third way to lose a friend just lend him money

    ReplyDelete
  20. This one I really enjoyed. Avay you are at your best when in good humor. Thanks 😊

    ReplyDelete
  21. It is a real good Sunday read. Good to know that someone compared your vocabulary with Chetan Bhagat and not with Shashi Tharoor. At least you can look forward to some bollywood producer knocking your door. I second your thoughts without any DNA fingerprint match. Keep up your wit and HOTs (the jargon in our fraternity) alive Mr. Shukla sir. Regards, Aditi Basu Roy

    ReplyDelete
  22. Delightful one. Have been reading your blogs quite regularly. Humor is also considered seditious these days. But since you are not blaming Modi for the recent pandemic, you are safe I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I enjoyed thoroughly. Great humor yet with deep meanings. Please don't stop blogging because some fellows say something irrelevant. Do meditate to blog more!

    ReplyDelete
  24. So difficult to laugh these days of calculated series of citizen shocks. You bring in a freshness of tongue-in-cheek story telling that makes me feel young. Great going Avay. You continue to deliver a great public good.
    Best
    Chatty (of Rachel fame!)

    ReplyDelete
  25. So difficult to laugh these days of calculated series of citizen shocks. You bring in a freshness of tongue-in-cheek story telling that makes me feel young. Great going Avay. You continue to deliver a great public good.
    Best
    Chatty (of Rachel fame!)

    ReplyDelete
  26. The 40% - 80% was spot on. The piece reminded me of Kevin Grogan - I don't know why!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Great going Avey. If you keep blogging in this manner, there is still hope for all of us and rationality in general.

    In the US of A, you will be called the 'real McCoy'!

    More power to your pen@

    ReplyDelete
  28. Read your blog for the first time, and I'm hard pressed to choose my favourite line. There were many. Such a delight; looking forward to more. And it's probably my age showing, but you give me hope that we Indians still know how to write English.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Absolutely delightful !

    Can't say, though, if my tears are from laughter or the truth of that.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Brilliant writing Sir ! Keep them coming

    ReplyDelete
  31. What a joy to read and spread. We keep doing our bit!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Still wondering how this gem escaped the trolls! Oh joy.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Avay you have outdone yourself. It is one the wittiest pieces I have read. Keep at it and do publish a book filled with all your blogs.

    ReplyDelete
  34. It's surely a piece of reading that anyone who enjoys this language will be very entertaining, while the content may be familiar personally, most of us could not have expressed it so succinctly!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Replying to the comments of Unknown dated 1 March 2021: I HAVE published a compilation of my blogs this year! The book is titled POLYTICKS, DEMOCKRAZY AND MUMBO JUMBO. You could check it out in Amazon at https://www.amazon.in/PolyTicks-DeMocKrazy-Mumbo-Jumbo-Mantris/dp/1913738000/ref=sr_1_6?crid=15JVHYZ39V3X5&dchild=1&keywords=avay+shukla&qid=1605671883&s=books&sprefix=avay%2Cdigital-text%2C341&sr=1-6

    ReplyDelete
  36. Amazing, as are some other articles in your book that are as hilarious. Some references in your present blog intrigue me. Does any of your sons really have a more generous view of NaMo and his party cohorts than you have (currently, since I know you were very hopeful about NaMo as PM earlier)? Or are you just saying this for laughs? Knowing your impish 70 going on 17 ways I wouldn't rule out the latter. And in most of my Indian circle of friends and relatives I see nearly the same 80% pro-bhakt bent, except that their children often feel differently.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Another thing I'm curious about (perhaps others are, too) is why some comments on your posts (including this one) are blacked out. Is it you doing this or the hosting agency or some governmental censors; or is something else going on?

    ReplyDelete
  38. Thoroughly enjoyable with great pun and satire on times we are living in! Wish more power to your pen.

    ReplyDelete
  39. This is absolutely brilliant!!!

    ReplyDelete
  40. What an enjoyable read. More power to your pen Mr. Shukla.

    ReplyDelete
  41. What a delightful, insightful piece of writing.......As the man above said so unerringly - Difficult tell if my tears are from laughter or the truth of that.
    More power to your pen.....it brings sunshine to our lives.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Surji, the best thing I have read in weeks. Shared it with all and sundry I wished to annoy. The 40%/80% comparison gels with my experience too with my dear batch mates from the IIT and school . I enlisted ad your 214th follower.
    Awaiting more...

    ReplyDelete
  43. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Would love to play a round of golf with you, Avai-ji. If visiting Bangalore, let me have the privilege. I myself have been blogging from long - may be accessed @ http://praja.in/en/blog/murali772 , very often quoting you too. All the best

    ReplyDelete
  45. For me, the last line was the winning sixer! :)

    ReplyDelete
  46. 😄😄😄😄 can visualize and sympathize. Incidentally my blog has been trolled equally by both ends of the colourful political spectrum. Fanatics irrespective of hues lack a sense of humor
    The wiseguy of the east

    ReplyDelete
  47. Absolutely brilliant piece of writing. Take a bow, sir!

    This reminded me of all the Plums and Leacocks I read in my childhood and youth.

    Not too many people write like this anymore.

    More power to you!

    ReplyDelete
  48. An absolute delight to read. Kudos!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Where were you Mr. Shukla ? Away should be your name. Delighted really.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Had a good laugh. Nowadays its difficult not to offend someone around you. You have managed it to the dot without sparing a single reader. Indians need to laugh at themselves without the more patriotic than thou attitude. Keep it up sir...

    ReplyDelete
  51. Ha ha ha ...such a joy... loved every bit

    ReplyDelete
  52. Class Apart....😆😆😆😆

    ReplyDelete
  53. Just one word - brilliant. As a retired( but not retarded like some colleagues) Fauji, I find in it a humour long dead after the demise of PGW and Trivadi of ToI.
    Keep it Shukla Sahib, I too get the same barbs from friends and relatives for my views.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Great, simply great. How I wish I could write something as incisive and funny too. I love it but I am so jealous.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Hilarious and yet very too the point, good reading

    ReplyDelete
  56. This was some of the best writing I've read in a long time. Love the word play

    ReplyDelete
  57. Delightful read Mr. Shukla
    I have missed reading your other musings. Will make sure that I catch up now, starting with mail ordering the 3 books you have authored.

    ReplyDelete
  58. This was exactly what I needed to get me out of my Seista hangover. Was laughing so loudly that the family started taking sips of my nimbu paani, to check if anything was connected to that!! Really enjoyed.. Will look forward to more.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Tables turned for the Critics.Worth a loud /boisterous laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Ajay Shukla, known for his pro INC loyalty. Has always been aa compulsive Mody hater. Enough evidence exist regarding agenda oriented journalism and twisting facts.
    Readers are requested to check the credibility of Ajay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is a term Modi Lover. Thos e who are not a modi lovers are Modi Haters it seems . Friend learn to laugh .. Abhay is really brilliant here in his wit and sarcasm..So चश्मा उतारो और देखो दुनिया को

      Delete
  61. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete