These last two weeks have been pretty confounding and humbling for me, both as a generic Indian and a stand-alone Shukla. It's bad enough to be treated as an idiot by the government of the day, but it's worse when you start suspecting that the government may be right after all. I no longer get Wordsworth's intimations of immortality, what I sense now are Sambit Patra's intimations of stupidity , thanks to Mr. Modi . His government has conveyed to all of us in no uncertain terms what it thinks of us citizens: that we are a gullible bunch, with an IQ lower even than the current rate of GDP growth, that we can be led by the nose and collared by the scruff of our neck, that we don't know what is good for us and can eat out of his hands whatever trash he deigns to offer in place of the truth. And so his minions can tell us that nobody died of oxygen shortage in the second Covid wave even though we could see them dying on television screens, that no illegal snooping has been carried out by Pegasus even as all "persons of interest" named so far are clearly of great interest to him and his Sancho Panza, that the Yogi of Ulta Pradesh excelled himself in controlling the second wave even as the corpses in their thousands lined the Ganges like accusing fingers, that the raids on a certain newspaper had nothing to do with the government even as the entire press community ( well, almost entire as the others can no longer claim to be the press ) condemned it. It's pretty humbling to be considered an idiot by your government.
This government thinks we are lobotomised cretins, and it's probably right, given the percentages that vote for the BJP. But that's not all: I am further humbled by the knowledge that this powerful government and its judiciary have jurisdiction over me even after I am dead and buried six feet under or wafted into the stratosphere from an electric chimney. Not only can I be denied bail in life, I can also be remanded into custody in death! This is the message in the most bizarre drama being played out in the Mumbai High Court these days. The late lamented Father Stan Swamy passed away a month ago in custody; he was not granted bail while alive, but the Hon'ble judges continue to "hear" his bail plea at great length ! One had heard of the long arm of the law, but this is much longer than I suspected; we are familiar with posthumous awards and citations but a posthumous bail ? Surely, this can happen only in a country where not only the law but everyone is an Ass ! I am reminded of an LIC (Life Insurance Corporation) advertisement which proudly boasted "Zindagi ke saath bhi, Zindagi ke baad bhi" (We are with you in life and after death too ). Since this sounds more like a warning by the Delhi police, it didn't do much for LIC's turnover, and is probably the reason why its now being disinvested in.
But why blame only the government? My own choices confirm my idiocy (and I'm not referring here to my decision to vote for Mr. Modi in 2014 ). Till last week I believed I was the cat's whiskers, having made it to the IAS at the age of 25, retired at a level much higher than my accepted level of incompetence, and now receive a pension cushioned against everything except Mrs Sitharaman's epiphanies and the recently amended Pension Rules. And then it all came crashing down when I read two newspaper reports.
The first stated that film star and celebrity wife Anushka Sharma's bodyguard (a hunk called Sonu) receives a salary of Rs. 1.20 crore per annum, simply to ensure that no admirer practices his Braille on her. The article further stated that Salman Khan's bodyguard, Sheru, was paid Rs. 2 crore per annum, primarily to prevent him from black bucks. These guys make in five years more than I've earned in a lifetime, even if I include the Diwali gifts. They also get to meet glamorous people all the time whereas I'm still trying to google Sunny Leone's address, without any success. Though I must admit, in all fairness, that I did pump some iron during my college days in Calcutta so that I could persuade one of those Park Street beauties to share an ice cream with me in Trincas. But I had to give it up when my biceps refused to grow beyond 11 inches and my chest fell far short of 56 inches. I had to acknowledge that I was built more on the lines of Mr. Bean than Charles Atlas.
The second piece was a statement by the Income Tax Department to the effect that 256 "Chat-wallahs" operating as vendors on Kanpur's roads were found to be millionaires! They owned property worth crores, drove luxury cars, lived in plush houses but never paid a paisa in income tax. It is humiliating to admit now that these entrepreneurs, who have probably never heard of the UPSC, are smarter than all the 142 guys in my batch put together , including Jawhar Sircar ! Why, it galls me to have to admit that maybe Mr. Amit Shah was right when he had stated that selling samosas is also regular employment. Actually, it's even better, because you don't pay any taxes on it. Hats off to my favourite Munna Chat Wallah opposite the Reserve Bank on Kanpur's Mall Road, who has apparently made it to the millionaire's list without ever joining Rau's Study Circle.
You get it, don't you ? Pumping iron is better than burning the midnight oil. Selling "aloo tikkis" and "pani puris" is more profitable than pushing files. I therefore leave you with this thought: is the government right, after all, in treating us all as idiots? Be honest, and welcome to the Club. And don't worry about your political affiliation- idiocy runs across all ideologies. This is a good time in India to be stupid. Remember the words of Issac Asimov: "When stupidity is considered patriotism, it is unsafe to be intelligent."
🤣🤣🤣 Hilarious...tongue in cheek humor...can't stop laughing 😂😂
ReplyDeleteI'm going to read it again.
The view from and climate in Greater Kailash is positively salubrious. One feels rejuvenated. Avay , tussi great ho !!
ReplyDeleteSuperbly written piece.
ReplyDeleteWatt kad tey. 👏👏
ReplyDeleteMr Shukla, how on earth can a Govt declare nil deaths due to O2? When we saw so many in media? In Parliament? Now, either it's a LIE, which was never challenged by elites like you, and your clan in Govt or Govt has solid proof!!! Yourblog is ok for the humour, but Govt says the affidavits submitted by States to Courts are the basis!!!! Now you please, as a former IAS, explain how such gaping loop holes are there!?
DeleteToo good a take on our beloved country and it's affairs.........hats off to you sir.👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
ReplyDeleteSir I just loved this Eureka moment! Side splitting humour and impeccable logic! Saari khudai ek taraf... Post retirement second innings mein course correction kar lete hain... Better late than never
ReplyDeleteExactly my reaction to this superlative piece of writing.
DeleteSense of humour is alive...man, you are good.
ReplyDeleteWodehouse reborn!
ReplyDeleteBombastic English Zero subject matter but humourous
ReplyDeleteYou are dumb!💐
DeleteSuperb
DeleteGOI gets a zero for their statements
DeleteYou are proving his thesis by your statement "zero subject matter."
DeleteEloquent writing laced with sarcasm and humour👌
ReplyDeleteThey could decide to really fuck him and give him a death sentence. Anything's possible, now that Modoobai has brought us such achhe din in India.
ReplyDeleteAlas, Munna Bhai opposite RBI no longer serves the palette of your fellow Kanpurites as well as he did years ago. Also, selling pakoras may be a better return than the proverbial samosas.
ReplyDeleteYour chat (Khasta)now onwards shall be free of all the taxes of Sita Maiya. Kanpuriyas love being mentioned from the 'Top'of Greater Kailash. Hilarious !
ReplyDeleteThank you for the offer, Anupam. Shall now take you at your word about the free khastas ! The only thing I like better than khastas is free khastas !
DeleteAvay in your school days if you had sneaked to Mohan Talkies for a movie you may have had pakoras from the thela. I was shocked to learn that apparently the fellow owned a couple of houses in Hazaribagh. Thoroughly enjoy your posts
DeleteWonderful sir. I look back the trekking sorties with nostalgia.
ReplyDeleteRegards
Draik
Hamta Pass, Draik ! And that terrific breakfast at Chikha! Great to hear from you after all these years.
DeleteLoved it as always.....too good Sir.
ReplyDeleteSuperb humour but mixed with bitter truth. Great. Keep writing.
ReplyDeleteHis IAS-bred contempt for skilled workers earning more than him is, well, contemptible. A security guard of Anushka or Salman does a far better job at guarding his charge that all the 142 members of his batch did of guarding the nation, including Jawahar Sircar.
ReplyDeleteLighten up, Shubhranshuji. Have a laugh or you'll end up with a stroke!
Delete😊😊
DeleteThe security guard's job is to guard one charge. With all the political interference and corruption, whose job is easie Mr.Half wit.
DeleteWhat did it mean, in the starting lines of the article, by "stand-alone Shukla"?I did not get it!Mr Avay, could you please explain me?
DeleteMr Shubhranshu, what does it have to do with "guarding the nation"?He was an IAS not an Army officer!And,whatever he sarcastically told all of us in the article about the today's government,is absolutely true.
DeleteDude you are as thick as the clowns you defend. You wouldn't know sarcasm if it ran you over
DeleteNice satire on today's reality...
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed reading Mr.Avay Shukla's tongue-in-cheek article. Humour at it's best. Terrific writer.
ReplyDeleteA true and brave commentary of our beloved and lovely country as it has evolved into what it is.only God can help us recreate the eondervthst was India
ReplyDeleteLoved every word of this one. Clearly the elite is disconnected in every which way the rest of the country votes, thinks or responds. Our assumptions are wrong and continue to cloud our judgements from afar, from the truths in the streets, villages and the voting booths. For us, the babus and the purported intelligentsia, to smell the coffee......
ReplyDeleteThanks for exposing this side of yours, Sir. Helps me ground me at the right place. Ego burnt, thanks. Great fun reading 😀
ReplyDeleteThe hills are bringing out the best in you, as usual ...
ReplyDeleteFrom a certain age we all realise that we have pumped iron, physically or intellectually, and if we can laugh at ourselves this shouldn't necessarily affect our motivation, because the girls to whom we gifted icecreams are still as beautiful or even more! You are a very beautiful person Avayji and every piece of your work, like all the work of every sincere person, is precisely what enables all of us to breathe in these times of shortage of oxygen, including our children and children to come and including the so-called "bad persons" who are only uncovering something that was already here since a very long time, much before they started their stupidities and even before they were born. So violent and stupid people are forcing those of us who would like to believe everything was normal, to face the situation we were already in. We will get out of this tragic farce, thanks to those who still have a heart, and if we are able to give them love and respect.
ReplyDeleteYay, hilarious, but a rather late realization, Sir! I admire you and am really glad that one 'intelligent' IAS guy has finally got it!!👍🏻🤗
ReplyDeleteBeing in a privileged position - perforce, with a blinkered view - might have made all our high flying 'Gorment' Babus who voted in this regime quite complacent till your Savings and Pensions are 'touched' by the magic wand of Nirmalatai.😒
I wish, Intelligent and Accomplished gents (like you) and other Good People who have come to a late realization join forces to figure out a way to free us from this enforced 'Stupidity'!?🤨
A fine piece of writing which afforded a few moments of fine reading. Humour at its best.
ReplyDeleteYour sarcasm hits hard and true. Now you must start to offer the country a way out of this mess. If not, this will eventually become time-paxx humour
ReplyDeleteSorry the above comment is from Dr Kavery Nambisan
DeleteSurgeon and novelist.
Hilarious! Wonderfully composed! Reading the blog was smoother than putting captain’s cook salt in the jar. Only one observation, for an IAS to say that “government and its judiciary” was unexpected.
ReplyDeleteGoing by how businesses work in India, Munna chat wala on his own would have made a few bureaucrats at least lakhapatis, in the course of becoming millionaire himself.
Regards
true spk.stark truth.slap on the face ....
Deletenice read. good to know what adversay thinks.
ReplyDeletein any case most of the problems result of doings of these elite IAS cadre ...
nice read. good to know what adversay thinks.
ReplyDeletein any case most of the problems in this country are result of doings of this elite IAS cadre ...
Reply
bureaucracy has never liked a strong political Goverment.
ReplyDeleteA strong Govt never allows Cat to take away chapati belonging to monkeys.
Many bureaucrats choose to fritter away all the opportunities to make any difference. Shukla jee happens to be from the same magicians' ilk which is famous for 'reducing it all to paper' as only achievement or contribution to non-IAS mankind.
ReplyDeleteThese superheroes once managed to crack the toughest exam and therefore are entitled to milk it for rest their careers and even beyond.
Avay despite his awesome craft with words couldn't help milking his UPSC achievement. Surprisingly, he was doing fine before lacing it with his crowning moment.
Absolutely hilarious wonderfully 'unfortunate' read! So true that it 'cannot be true'!!
ReplyDeleteA beautiful read
ReplyDeleteReal life and reality of IAS
ReplyDeleteWasted effort, unfortunately Modi and his goons wouldn't know sarcasm if it ran them over.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, on the dot and full of humour too. Carry on the good work.
ReplyDeleteA very bitter truth but Avay put it forth so humorously that I couldn't stop laughing. Am going to read all your blogs.
ReplyDelete@Avai-ji - the important yardstick is being on the "Pegasus" list. Are you there, yet? If not, you have not arrived:))). Keep trying. I'm at it too - hoange kaamyab, aek din:)))
ReplyDeleteA great and, at the same time, a very thought-provoking - Blog. I particularly liked that part about the Court hearing the "bail petition" of the late Father Stan Swamy. That takes the cake.
ReplyDeleteTo your Isaac Asimov quote I have this from Milan Kundera -- "the struggle of mankind against oppression is the struggle of memory against forgetfulness".
Or you could try one of mine just thought up - "Passivity kills; absolute passivity kills absolutely" (with apologies to Lord Acton).
Loved it. Bitter truths laced with humour.
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed this tongue in cheek piece immensely 👍
ReplyDeleteThe Kanpur chatwallas and some halwais deserve to be millionaires; haven't they served delicious pleasure to millions?
Where is the humour?
ReplyDeleteThe story is yours as well as mine!
We must cry when we are alone ensuring nobody can see you and me! Will pegasus allow us to this atleast!
Avatar you have exposed me as well.
A chain is as strong as the weakest link, a democracy is as strong as the stupidest lot.😀
ReplyDeleteThe stupidity of the blinkered intelligentsia that chooses to look but not see the great landscape from the heights of Kailash which is greater than the efforts of many civil servants who have only whiled their time in comatose inefficiency funded by taxpayers money. If only these blind men made one attempt at braille with Anushka Sharma, they would realise that people get paid for results, not positions in the real world. Perhaps its the lack of oxygen found in the heights of an imaginary ivory tower in the Mount Kailash of ones own cerebral fabrication that numbs their right brains. The conclusion is the only thing that is correct. It IS certainly unsafe to be intelligent, and the corollary is that it is unsafe to be intelligent in the IAS!
ReplyDeleteThis is the most entertaining piece I have read, in a while. It's depressing but still made me smile. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteBang-on. I agree with Sarah Islam, it is sad state of affairs, but very sardonically put.
ReplyDeleteLast line is hilarious.
ReplyDeleteFinally, some one has shown guts to show a mirror to the Government. A big salute sir. These are troubled times and we need many more sane voices like yours. Best regards
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed being idiot, you never know who you become given the current circumstances;)
ReplyDeleteWhat a rib tickling article by Avay Shukla! The humour has you shaking your shoulders uncontrollably till the eyes run tears down!
ReplyDeleteThe underlying message that surfaces from the Wodehouse humour is equally sharp and scathing. But to the regime that exists, all hints, innuendos, direct urgings and desperate exhortations are a perfect nought.
Thankfully we have writers as Avay Shukla to turn to in times of despair to replace tears of agony with those of mirth!
Thank you Sir...!