THOUGHTS ON EATING OUT , PROTESTS AND SPLIT PERSONALITIES .

 One doesn't eat out often, partly because I haven't yet received my last six DA instalments, but mainly because I can never find parking in NOIDA. But once in a while one has to be adventurous, so Neerja and I decided to have a night out. The question, however, prompted by recent FDA revelations about what is actually dished out as food in restaurants, was: how do we ensure that we are not served plastic granules as rice, palm oil as paneer, crow meat as chicken, shampoo and emulsifier as milk ? "I know," said Neerja, "let's invite Tukaram Mundhe to accompany us for dinner too!" She was right, you know-Mr. Mundhe is the new toast of the foodies, when he walks into a restaurant the rats and cockroaches (the real ones) leave by the back door, the analogue paneer is dumped into the sewer line, and managers start counting the flies in their kitchens instead of their profits.                                                                          I'm told the most sought after rating in Bombay eatery circuits these days is not the Michelin Star, but a certificate which proudly states "Tukaram Mundhe approved eatery." A close second is a board announcing: "Tukaram Mundhe eats here." But I'm afraid he may be Khemka-ed very soon: institutions nowadays are not expected to follow the law but to find ways around them, for a consideration, of course. Opposition to him has started organising itself. The Bombay High Court has already conveyed its royal displeasure to him. A report in a newspaper revealed that footfalls in restaurants have fallen by 20%, as folks no longer want to pay through their noses for dining on cockroaches, rats, flies and worms (not to mention the Service Charge). I would not be surprised if corporate hospital boardrooms are worrying about the declining patient numbers (and profits) in their Emergency wards for food poisoning, vomiting, loose motions, nausea and other complimentary gifts of five star eateries. Very soon this shall have an effect on our GST collections and the GDP, and Mundhe shall be declared a Dimagi Naxal and Pakistani collaborator. He will then be sent on deputation to the External Affairs Ministry where any damage he does will be as nothing compared to the destruction Messers Jaishankar and Misry have already wrought, and will therefore not be noticed. 

Coming back to my dinner date, Mr. Mundhe was not available on the phone: he was on his seventh interview of the day for a TV channel, after which he was scheduled to raid the Raj Bhavan kitchen. So Neerja and I decided to play it safe and have aloo parathas and kheer at Murthal- a dhaba is still the safest place to eat in India, and there's plenty of parking too. It also eases the pain of the missing DA instalments.

*                    *                        *                         *                     *

The cockroaches, Dimagi Naxals and "kuttas" are barking up the wrong tree. The changes and reforms they want -in the examination systems, condition of schools, accountability- will not happen unless this unresponsive government in Delhi departs. And it will never depart as long as the future elections (general and state) are based on SIR and EVMs. It now appears increasingly plausible  that both have been so structured as to deliver victories for the BJP/NDA  when and where it matters. The anecdotal evidence is mounting. The established political parties appear to be  finally realising this, and the new kids on the block should, too. They will achieve their ultimate goal only when the elections are rendered fair and transparent, when the Election Commission of India is compelled to cancel SIR,  revert to the paper ballot system, impartially enforce the Model Code of Conduct; when the force of public pressure persuades the Supreme Court to quash the appointments of the three Election Commissioners as violative of an earlier SC judgment. These are the foundational changes the times demand and the CJP should take up - achieve these, and the rest will follow as surely as spring follows winter. Fail here, and the winter of discontent will continue for a very, very, long time and there will be no spring.

*                     *                      *                      *                            *

I've reached the time of life when I can expect Drs. Dementia, Parkinson and Alzheimer to be standing in a queue outside my door. They have not, however, paid me a visit so far; I suspect because either my name has been deleted from their lists in a Gyanesh Kumar type of exercise, or because they suspect that I am already so far gone that their ministrations are not required. Which suits me fine, because these days I am afflicted by another condition- schizophrenia or split personality, or, to be more precise, splintered personalities because there are now so many of me. Let me explain.

The symptoms first evinced themselves in 2014 but have now metastatized to an impressive scale, especially after the July student protests in Delhi. I have always considered myself a dissident or dissenter of the Modi government and was fairly comfortable with this personality trait, notwithstanding that it has cost me most of my relatives and friends. But not any more. For I am now informed, on the authority of a dozen Ministers and Kangana Runout, that I am also a cockroach, a "kutta", an Andolanjeevi, gang member of both the Khan Market and Tukre-Tukre gangs, a gutter generation type, an anti-national, an urban Naxal, a Dimagi Naxal. Whew! That's a lot for any one individual to handle: I cannot for the life of me figure out to which of the above genera I belong. It has caused an identity crisis for me: who the Hell am I ? I probably need to see a shrink, but I don't think my CGHS card will cover that. Neerja, the only other intelligent member of my family other than Brutus, my doggo, says there is only one solution to my problem- stop disagreeing with Mr. Modi on everything and become his supporter. With this change my splintered personality will coalesce into just one - that of a Bhakt- and the schizophrenia will vanish in an instant. A Bhakt has no nuances, doubts, questions, he is self confident in his stupidity, proud of his incompleteness. I considered the idea for a couple of days but then decided to dump it. For I discovered that the "bhakt" has his own medical, much severer mental condition- Delusional Psychosis, in which he regards the non-biological one as a God, has a complete disconnect from reality, is ready to kill those who think, pray, eat or speak differently and is stone deaf to reason. I can live with my splintered personality but this "bhakti" is a pain in the traditional place I can do without. Maybe I'll just go to Sadhguru to find out the real me.

THE RETURN OF THE INDIAN JOINT FAMILY

 The joint family was one of the better constituents and binding blocks of Indian society for centuries. Consisting of three or four generations living under one roof, it bonded its constituent families into one larger whole, sustained positive relationships, pooled individual resources into one economic whole. Socially speaking, perhaps its best characteristic was that it took care of the weaker members of the larger family- the infants, the old, the sick or otherwise disabled, the unemployed, the indigent-and ensured that they too were cared for and lived a dignified life. The importance of this last aspect cannot be overstated, for then there were no government welfare schemes, pensions, hospices or Ayushman Bharat types of protective umbrella

Looking back, I feel that my father's generation was perhaps the last joint family generation (he passed on in 2017 at the age of 93). He himself grew up in a sprawling family consisting of his parents, four siblings, innumerable uncles, aunts and THEIR families, and a couple of near invisible widows. They all lived together in happy chaos in a huge "haveli" my grandfather had built in his village in Fatehpur district of UP; God only knows how the family's finances were managed: even a firm of chartered accounts would find it difficult to untangle the various contributions to the family kitty! One word of caution, however: don't for a moment think that it was run on democratic lines- no, sir, it was a patriarchical autocracy, my grandfather's word was the law and everyone accepted it because it was a mutually beneficial autocracy. No other system would have worked half as well !

The Indian joint family started fraying, I suspect, in the 60's and 70's, and it was more or less dead by the late 1990's and early 2000's. I'm sure sociologists have identified the reasons for its gradual demise, but it was an inevitable consequence of "development" as we know it.

Things started changing with my generation, the Baby Boomers. Education, mobility, job opportunities all expanded, youngsters started leaving their homes, first for better education and then for jobs, and settled down independently in places distant from their parental houses. This trend only expanded with the next generation, the Millenials. Joint families almost disappeared and were replaced by the "nuclear" ones. Loneliness for abandoned parents became a collateral damage.

I guess this social evolution was inevitable, not only for the reasons given above, but also as a consequence of improvement in girls' education. With this, they were no longer content to let early marriage define their lives: they now sought independent careers, and their own homes after marriage. How and where couples lived was now decided, not by a patriarch, but by economics- jobs, salaries, future career prospects, and the desire to raise their own families in their own way, without any parental interference.

But the wheel is coming full circle with Gen Z, and ironically, the same forces that drove them away from the joint family system are now forcing them back to it ! More and more young adults in their late twenties and early thirties, employed and unemployed, married or single, are now coming back to live with their parents. This is confirmed both statistically and anecdotally. Research shows that 70% -80% of young adults live with their parents, as do 20% of young couples, and the trend is only growing. In my own social and family circles I find that this is true in at least one out of every two families (including my own!). This shift has not happened  because of any change of heart on their part but because of pure economic and aspirational reasons.

The reasons are varied, both economic and social. Both boys and girls are marrying later: the mean marriage age for girls has gone up to 22.9 years ( 24 to 27.5 for girls in urban areas), and for boys to 29 years ( early 30's for urban based males). Being unmarried means they continue to live with their parents. Conversely, divorce rates are going up too- since 1990, it has gone up from 1.1% of all marriages to 1.6%, low by western standards, but an increase of 50% nonetheless. Divorce means the separated entities again return to the safe harbour of their parents (especially if there are kids involved)! 

Joblessness is another reason- 40% of India's graduates are unemployed, and a large cohort of those employed are barely able to subsist on the wages they get, especially in urban areas. A new NITI AAYOG report states that 8.70 crore youth (between the ages of 18 and 29) are in the NEET (Not in Employment, Education or Training) category. They have no choice but to live with their parents. Artificial Intelligence is beginning to exert its malevolent effect: big tech companies have already cut tens of thousands of jobs and more will be on the chopping block. Real estate, whether owned or rented, has become so prohibitively expensive in even Tier 2 or 3 cities that living separately is just a dream for most youngsters. The costs of domestic house-hold support, or for child rearing are unaffordable. At these prices, even aging parents and their cluttered houses start looking very attractive, and their expertise in bringing up kids is simply irreplacable! So the joint family is suddenly back in business.

And guess what?- it suits us aging Baby Boomers too. The empty nest is full again, the creeping loneliness is banished, life acquires meaning again. It's a win-win situation: for the youngsters it provides a material safety net, for the parents it fills an emotional vacuum. But there's a catch, as there usually is in all good things!

Nature did not intend for progeny to live with their progenitors for all time. This is why adolescent animals are banished by their parents once they are taught the skills of survival and are forced to fend for themselves. Joint families are a departure from this basic law of life. Too many adults living together generates tensions, arising from a dozen differing perceptions of personal space, views and opinions, social preferences, eating habits, financial matters, etc. The joint families of my father's era resolved these tensions by having one dominant authority- the head of the family- whose word was final and instinctively respected by all.

That is no longer the case with Gen Z, Alpha and whatever other alphabetical generations are biding their turn in the womb of time. Youngsters of today are taught to question, not accept things at face value, speak their minds, not acquiesce to authority blindly. This is anathema for joint families, and I see it playing out in many families. It will need a lot of patience, understanding, give-and-take, genuine care and respect for each other for Phase 2 of the joint family system to succeed. It is still a work in progress and I really don't know how it will work out. I hope it does because families are the bedrock of any society and happy, functional families make for a stable social order, something this increasingly fractured world badly needs.  

 

BOOK REVIEW- TETE-A-TEA by INDI KHANNA

 

READING  THE  TEA  LEAVES.

For most of us tea is the cuppa that wakes us up in the morning, for the cognoscenti it is a career, but for those who are passionate about it, it is a way of life. Indi Khanna, who will be a planter till the day he himself is planted on some hillside, belongs to this last category; combine this with an amazing zest for life, the irreverence of his Punjabi blood, the memory of a pachyderm, the story telling skills of a born raconteur, and what you get is this exhilarating book. This is not a book that tells you how to grow tea, or the difference between a first flush and a poker flush. What it does tell you, however, in 39 delightful chapters and the frequent four letter word, is about the hard working, hard playing life of a tea planter in India, starting with the "muster" before sun break and ending with that last drink at the planters' club (or in a swamp as the chapter A Slight Mishap honestly reveals!) post midnight.

Tea as a commercial crop was introduced in the Assam valley by the British in the 1830s and had expanded to the Nilgiris in the South by the 1850s. It is today one of India's biggest industries: the country is the world's second largest producer, churning out 1.38 billion kgs every year from 619000 hectares of plantations, valued at US$ 12 billion. But it is more than just an industry or product. Tea is the stuff of legends, it has created an entire sub-culture and way of life, and those who work on its plantations are a breed apart, not unlike the pioneer homesteaders of the American Wild West! The USP of this book is that it introduces us to this genre of homo sapiens as few others do.

Tea planters, of necessity, had to be self sufficient till very recently, in the era before four-lane highways, televisions, cell phones, OLEX or Blinkit, internet, FAX or mobile banking, which is the period the author recounts in this book. They had to be innovative, creative, adventurous, prepared for surprises, and the "jugad" was part of their SOP. The forty odd stories in this book explain this in greater and side-splitting detail. A few need to be mentioned to give the reader a flavour of what Indi Khanna has cooked up!

Nothing Was Ever Im-'piss'-able informs us that an important part of an Asstt. Manager's job was to faithfully record (in a rain measure) every morning the precipitation in the past 24 hours since it had a bearing on productivity and future planning. Indi was perplexed by the fact that, of his 13 fields, one consistently recorded much higher rainfall than the other 12. Looking at it from every angle failed to deliver any reason or answer for this mystery. So he decided to pitch his tent one night next to the rain gauge to witness for himself any unusual phenomenon that could explain this. He was roused from his sleep well past midnight by lusty singing and swearing sounds; he saw the night watchman, thoroughly sozzled, totter and weave his way to the rain gauge and empty his full bladder (with remarkable accuracy) into the said receptacle, and wander off! He apparently did this every night, being a man of regular habits. Indie had solved the mystery, though he does not tell us what exact explanation he gave his boss.

My favourite story in the book has the same thread- or is it 'stream'-of piss running through it. Appropriately titled Pissing Golf, it details how native jugad modified the original game of golf invented in St. Andrews. In the planters' club, one didn't need to be good at golf to win a tournament, one needed to have a strong bladder and do the Kegel's exercise regularly. The rules of the tournament demanded that one have a very large, Patiala size drink (Bloody Mary or beer) before teeing off at each of  6 of the 9 holes (the others being 'dry' holes). No great shakes, you say? But wait for Rule 2: no one was allowed, on pain of penalties, to relieve himself behind a bush or elsewhere till he had holed out at the 9th hole! Try that, Tiger Woods! One presumes that those with prostate problems were not encouraged to take part in the tournament.

The other stories are equally hilarious and give us an honest glimpse of the lives of the planters, whether in Assam or the Nilgiris, places where the author served. They include accosting elephants and wild boars, catching trout in the mountain streams (always ensuring that the fish caught were never bigger than the boss's catch!), floating down the mighty Brahmaputra for days on an improvised "home" built on eight drums lashed together, bringing up kids with the sole assistance of a volume of Benjamin Spock, repaying Divali card debts, not in cash, but in bovine currency, living in a haunted 'chang' house (one on stilts) where the thunder-box was want to collapse if the incumbent didn't watch his weight!

Each story is a delightful gem, related with self deprecating humour- Indi Khanna churns them out, not with his tongue- in- cheek, but with the said appendage firmly stuck out, challenging you to protest or do better. Do not, however, presume that it was all fun and games for the planters and their families. Beneath the fun is the reality of an intrepid breed of men and women, fending for themselves in remote regions without the amenities we take for granted in today's urban communities. It was a hard life- living in isolated locations, cut off from the larger family and friends for eleven months in a year, having to send their children to hostels at the age of five or six, working round the clock 24X7, especially during the plucking and factory processing seasons, finding their own quick-fixes when things went wrong or broke, dealing with undisciplined and sometimes violent labour, a medical officer substituting for a vet and vice versa! But they took all this in their stride, supported by a close circle of friends and colleagues, an undaunted pioneering spirit, and, of course, that vital Planters' Club. In a way, they have created history. This book is a light-hearted record of how this history was made. Which is why it is a must-read for all those who partake of the cup that cheers, but does not inebriate. And don't take that last bit too literally, says Indi Khanna.

A BROKEN IMAGE, A SQUANDERED LEGACY.

The writing has been on the wall for quite some time, for all to see except perhaps the acolytes of the NDA government. India's falling governance parameters over the last decade ( Press Freedom, Rule of Law, Inequality, Human Rights, Religious Freedom, Environmental Performance, Academic Freedom) all indicate a gradual structural collapse of the institutions of government, and growing contempt for international covenants. A global pushback was inevitable, and the first sign of it came post 2021when bodies like V-DEM, EIU (Economist Intelligence Unit) and Freedom House downgraded India's democratic status to "Partly Free" ,"Electoral Autocracy" and "Flawed Democracy" . In 2025,  the country's NHRC (National Human Rights Commission) was downgraded to B category by GANHRI (Global Alliance of National Human Rights Institutions) for its perceived lack of independence and failure to address human rights violations. 

The USCIRF (United States Commission on International Religious Freedom) has demanded of its Congress that India be designated as a country of particular concern and a source of transnational oppression. It has also asked for sanctions to be imposed on Chief Ministers of UP, Uttarakhand and Assam, the RSS and Bajrang Dal-all for their persecution of minorities. It has demanded investigations against firms whose equipments have been used to target minorities and for opening hearings against on-line tech platforms for spreading hate and abuse against them.

Earlier this month Amnesty International has written to the Indian government accusing it of violating the Genocide Convention and the Geneva Convention, and of being complicit in Israel's genocide in Gaza,  by allowing the export of almost 800 shipments of Indian made  weapons, munitions and ordnance to Israel which has been held guilty of war crimes, genocide, ethnic cleansing and apartheid. It has identified at least seven Indian companies, including (astonishingly) public sector companies. By doing so we are exposing ourselves to moral and legal consequences internationally. 

But the biggest blow has been struck last month by the release of a damning report by the United Nations, no less, which virtually amounts to a show-cause notice. In a letter to GOI three rapporteurs of the United Nations dealing with religious freedom, human rights and minorities have expressed grave doubts about the manner in which SIR (Special Intensive Revision) has been/ is being carried out by the ECI (Election Commission of India) in Bihar, Bengal and in the rest of India. They have questioned the opacity, methodology, selective nature, need and purpose of this arbitrary exercise. The notice does not do so in a vacuum but quotes facts and figures from the government's own sources and what is available in the public domain. It expresses alarm at the massive exclusion of voters, especially of those in West Bengal and those from the minority communities. It tellingly notes that all these actions of the ECI/Government appears to be in violation of international covenants and resolutions of which India is a signatory. The rapporteurs have requested the government for comments/ clarifications in a time bound manner before they submit their final  report to the UN Human Rights Council.     As I write this, the government is yet to reply to the UN  but the MEA has issued a brief statement terming these charges as "baseless" and "unwarranted", and that the SIR exercise has the approval of the country's Supreme Court. In a reply to a question in Parliament on 30th July, a Minister more or less repeated this, adding that deletion of names of those who have demitted or migrated or changed residence is a regular exercise. This statement carries no conviction because it is the default template of the Ministry against any criticism of this thick skinned regime. Additionally, the Minister made no mention of the deletions in Bengal on account of the mysterious and opaque "logical discrepancy" clause, the 2.7 million who were not allowed to vote even though their appeals were pending,  the lack of transparency in the use of untested and secret algorithms used by the ECI, or the reasons for the disproportionate deletions of Muslims from the rolls.

The letters by the UN rapporteurs are not just an arraignment of the ECI but are also an indictment of our Supreme Court. The Court had innumerable opportunities to rein in the rampaging ECI but failed to do so. Instead of examining its legality, modus operandi, necessity, impact on citizenship, it nibbled at the edges of the issue for a year till the SIR became a fait accompli. It allowed the ECI to hold two elections on the basis of this patently defective exercise, and remained silent even when the Commission extended it to the rest of the country! It has now given its final seal of  approval to the SIR, paving the way for even more millions to be deleted from the voters' rolls. The Court has failed the citizens of the country, and this is implicit in the letter of the UN.

The UN letter is also a stricture against our NHRC, which is already in the dog-house as explained earlier, and our totally ineffective and vestigious Minority Commission. I can't remember the last time either of these institutions ever spoke up for the people in exercise of their mandates and in justification of the tens of crores of rupees spent on them. By their deafening silence on the SIR- the disenfranchisement of millions of voters, especially minorities, the dangerous uncertainties created over their citizenship, the subsequent denial of state welfare benefits to them by many states- both these Commissions have turned a blind eye to this unholy exercise and have betrayed their mandate.

The international opprobrium against India is mounting by the day and our government cannot keep stonewalling it indefinitely. We have forfeited our moral stature, the traditional championing of human rights and freedoms, our leadership of the global South , of SAARC and perhaps even BRICS by our highly questionable human rights record and the puzzling embrace of Israel, an international pariah. We continue to  provide ammunition to countries inimical to us (like Pakistan, which, significantly, is the President of the UN Human Rights Council), to initiate action against us, including sanctions, warrants from the ICC or ICJ. We have torpedoed any chances we had for a seat in the UN Security Council. We have isolated ourselves on all global matters of importance and have become a vassal of the USA and Israel. The BJP's religious bigotry and lust for power internally is proving too high a cost to bear globally. Surely, the India of Gandhi, Nehru, Tagore, Kabir and Vivekananda deserves better? 

JANTAR MANTAR AND THE OTHER SIDE OF MIDNIGHT

 Now that we have an idea of what Mr. Modi looks like at the stroke of the midnight hour, and have also learnt how to install a teleprompter on a mobile phone, let us move on to some other aspects of the Jantar Mantar protests not yet reported upon.                                               Nothing better exhibits, or symbolises, the decline of our republic and its leadership quality than a comparison of two of our Prime Ministers speaking at the midnight hour  to the nation. On August 14, 1947, Jawaharlal Nehru, India's first Prime Minister, delivered to the world his iconic and immortal speech about India's tryst with destiny, acknowledged to be among the finest words ever uttered by any statesman- a speech brimming over with pride, a sense of achievement, vision and hope for a new-born country. On the midnight of 23rd of July, 2026, our current Prime Minister, Mr. Modi, too delivered a short video speech via his mobile phone, not to celebrate his country's freedom but to dig himself out of a hole of his own making- a jaded address reeking of insincerity, dissimulation, empty promises . Whereas Nehru's words electrified a whole nation, Mr. Modi's words, deservedly, will be remembered only by his speech writers- with, one hopes, a lot of mortification. Hopefully we will not find them in our NCERT history books now that Mr. Pradhan is himself history, but one can never be sure.

Every joke, said George Orwell, is a  revolution. And oh,boy! was he right!                        For the CJP (Cockroach Janata Party) did begin life as a joke. The inadvertent raconteur  was none other than our own Chief Justice of India, the venerable and Honourable Surya Kant . For it was his wisecrack equating the youth to cockroaches (Hahaha) that brought the invincible cockroaches from out of the chinks and cracks of the country into which this government's policies had shoved them, and into the arena of politics and public protests, bringing to its knees one of the most formidable political parties and authoritarian governments in the world.  And the Hon' CJI did not rest for a moment on his laurels, or his funny bone- he further immortalised his constitutional credentials by initially refusing to entertain a mention in court by a lawyer to look into the use of excess force on protesters on the 20th July by the Delhi police (since denied). Notwithstanding the over-whelming visual evidence available in the public domain, he was reported to have said that he did not have the time to watch videos of the police violence. (Another joke- Hahaha!) This naturally enraged the youngsters to greater heights of determination, culminating in the government throwing in the blood-soaked towel on the 25th July.  Which is why I feel that Gen XYZ (I can never figure out which is the appropriate alphabet for the current Gen) has failed to give due credit to the Hon CJI for its historic success . But they can still make amends: our local village idiot has suggested that the  acronym CJP should now be read as the Chief Justice Party. That, according to him, would deservedly recognize Hon Surya Kant's contributions to the preservation of democracy and the idea of justice in India. Being an idiot of long standing, however, he is not aware that this may constitute contempt of court, and that that is one power the courts are still willing to exercise. Hence, the clown's suggestion has been rejected and he has been removed from his post. he went without any fuss and no lathi charge was needed to persuade him. The village drunkard suggested the moniker Cocktail Janata Party as it better reflects the mix of youthful spirits at Jantar Mantar; this found favour with most of us (except the Excise Inspector), and has been forwarded to Mr. Dipke.

Coming now to Mr. Pradhan's resignation letter. Now, in my career I have seen many resignation letters, including one which said: "Dear sir, I quit. Please accept my sympathies for your loss." In one instance the chappie came with a band and dancers to hand over his resignation letter: this oddity is normal in my Himachal, whether it is resignation, retirement or suspension! Here, they just need an excuse to uncork the "angoori", form a circle and start gyrating, clockwise for retirements and anti-clockwise for resignations. But Mr. Pradhan's resignation letter takes the (cow-dung) cake for its sheer effrontery.

It is not a resignation, it is a treatise, a CV and a character/commendation certificate all rolled into one. It is the farewell speech no one bothered to give him and reminds me of that doleful Jim Reeves song: "I missed me, how I missed me at your home last night..." Substitute "your home" with "my office" and the Minister could have made a musical video of it and earned lavish praise from Gen RDX and Shakira. As it is , no one could figure out whether it was a resignation or an application  for sainthood. As someone said, all he needed to write was: "Bro, I fu**ed up big time. Gotta go." It would have been the honest truth, with no scope for ambiguity. Never mind though, maybe the next Minister could use this when his or her time comes.

And finally, what can one (an unabashed admirer) say of Ms. Kangana Runout? Although situated in seismic zone VI, Himachal had no volcanoes till 2024. Then Ms. Runout exploded onto the scene, and since then she has erupted regularly, covering her own face and that of her party with ashes and soot. She is one natural disaster the NDF is not equipped to handle, and for which the Finance Commissions provide no compensation to the state. After her experience with the farmers' agitation , why on earth would she repeat it by vilifying and insulting the brave young girls at Jantar Mantar? My wife, Neerja, with the perspicacity that only women possess, has an explanation: Kangana is actually a Gandhian; having been slapped on one cheek by a Sikh lady police constable last year, she now wants to be slapped on the other one too, completing a virtuous circle as it were.  She'll probably get her wish soon- God never disappoints the devout or the Runout.                   

TIME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS LONGEVITY FAD

 It's not working. These days everybody and his grandfather wants to live to be a hundred, even if it's in a hospital ICU. And if we continue to make babies at the current rate and impose an 18% GST on condoms (28% for flavoured condoms as they come under the category of fruits), by 2050 we would have eaten every animal, bird, fish, reptile and insect on the planet, except perhaps cockroaches which are hard to digest (as Mr. Modi is finding out).  And by 2100 we would have started eating each other, which is actually not such a bad thing. For the plain fact is that this planet simply cannot support its current population of eight billion, expected to swell to twelve billion by 2100. A recent study published in Environmental Research Letters reveals that the planet's natural resources can sustain only 2.5 billion sapiens, homos included.

Take India- currently 1.4 billion, expected to grow to 1.7 billion by 2070, most of this growth coming from bhakts. Our government, of course, assures us that our fertility rate has dropped to 2.1, less than the replacement rate, and that soon the acchhe din will be here. I don't believe a word of it, for all figures released by this regime are fudged. And we keep finding innovative ways of reducing our population, on paper at least. For example, the recent SIR has cut the population by 70 million- people who don't exist because they are deleted from the voter rolls. The government refuses to acknowledge their existence. That should reduce our fertility rate to 1.8 or so, and by the time Mr. Gyanesh Kumar completes his unholy exercise it should be down to 1.5 ! So you see why the only figure I approve of is that of Sunny Leone: it's a sight for sore eyes, has been consistent for many years, and what you see is, as they say, what you (don't ) get.

So how do we avoid becoming homo cannabalis ? Economists like Messers Ruchir Sharma and Sanyal tell us that every problem has a supply side and a demand side to it. In this case we can do little on the supply side because the babies will keep coming, as long as India remains the third largest consumer of porn in the world. So the solution to this over- population has to be found on the Demand side, and I've just found one: put a cap on longevity. No one should be allowed to live beyond 75 years, this is not the era of Methuselahs. Pass a law that everyone shall be euthanised once he/she/it reaches the age of 75, it is not enough to put them in the Margdarshak Mandal.

Consider the benefits of this drastic final solution, not just for the planet but for ourselves personally. Death will become an appointment, not an accident, and the uncertainty shall be removed for ever. We all secretly wish to die in bed of an embolism or heart attack, blissfully unaware that we are dead till we find ourselves at the pearly gates, confronted by St. Peter asking us for our Aaadhar card or Voter IDs. But we also know that that is a remote possibility, and that we are more likely to quit this mortal coil because an eagle drops a tortoise on our heads (like Aeschylus, the Greek playwright), or on a toilet seat (like Elvis Presley), or in one of Mr. Gadkari's tolled pot- holes. I personally find this uncertainty very unsettling, I would like to know how and when I'm supposed to go so that I can prepare for it. My solution ticks these boxes nicely.

It gets better: your kids won't throw you out of the house because now they know they will not have to wait indefinitely ( like Prince Charles for his kingship), it will be theirs in any case in a few years. Governance will improve because now politicians, judges, bureaucrats won't be seeking re-election or re-employment- knowing that they have only a few years left, they would now much rather do those things they always wanted to but had kept postponing- that trip to Las Vegas or Sonagachi, a dinner at a Michelin star restaurant, organise a Satyanarayan pooja for Mr. Modi's good health, visit the Ram Mandir before it is given on perpetual lease to Mr. Adani, take the shocked wife on a second honeymoon because you missed the first one as you had to go on election duty, or make desperate love to that woman you always desired but had been waiting for an opportune moment which never came.

Since you will no longer be a drooling, doddering, incontinent octogenarian (you'll be terminated at 75 remember?) you don't have to worry about cancer, intestinal blockage, thrombosis, dementia or prostate enlargement, etc. You can die with dignity, dressed in a three piece suit, not in faded pyjamas or in a towel. You'll save a fortune in medical bills. Your kids and heirs will also save a fortune, this time on lawyers' bills, because, being forewarned about your exit date, you can set your finances, wills, nominations etc in order and obviate any scrapping among your heirs later. They will love you for it, and will dote on you right up till the moment the crematorium door slams down on you with the finality of a Supreme Court order.

The government would be ecstatic: its pension bills would decline dramatically, it will no longer have to wrack its brains to find suitable berths for redundant party workers or retired judges, it will save trillions because, with a declining population, there will now be no need to provide for measures against global warming, climate change, ever increasing old age pensions and Ayushman Bharat bills. The world as a whole will save sextillions of dollars more once Trump is euthanised under the new law because there will be no more wars and the Strait of Hormuz will be open again. Sadly, however, Putin and Netanyahu will still be around for a few more years.

This leaves only one more box to tick: how exactly will these millions of old codgers be dispatched? Well, Elon Musk has provided the answer- the neuralink brain implant. Designed to be implanted in the brain to control one's cognitive and sensory functions via a computer, all it will now need is to be equipped with a "kill switch". This will be automatically triggered once a person reaches 75, stopping all bodily and brain functions in a nano second.

There is also a Plan B, in case the kill switch fails, as it is likely to do in the case of bhakts who in any case do not have any brain function. These Neanderthals shall be locked up in an auditorium and shall have to watch, without any break, 100 episodes of Man Ki Baat and Ministry of External Affairs press conferences. Extensive trials have shown that no one can survive more than 25-30 such episodes, though the process is not entirely painless.

The new law should , however, have one caveat- it will have prospective effect only, and not apply retrospectively. This, of course, has nothing to do with the fact that both Mr. Modi and I turned 75 last year.

THE RULES OF THE GAME HAVE CHANGED - WILL THE GAME CHANGE TOO ?

 Any game, or contract, is based on and pre-supposes mutually accepted rules which govern, and bind, the participants. Democracy is one such contract, the ultimate social contract, in which the citizens (the ruled) give up their individual powers to the elected government (the ruler) in return for the protection of their rights, freedoms and the pursuit of happiness in their own individual ways. In India so far, for the last 75 years, this contract has held together though it has come under strain at many times. The credit for this goes to enlightened leadership and constitutional institutions that have usually worked, notwithstanding some blips and glitches.

But over the last decade or so the authoritarian, unilateral, anti-federal, non-accountable governance style of the NDA government has put this contract under immense strain, and on the 20th of July it has come to near breaking point. The impetus behind it is the Modi government's panaroia about any kind of protest or opposition to its policies and diktats- it views them as challenges, and not as opportunities to introspect and/or self-correct. This happened with the Assam NRC, CAA, Covid, Manipur, Article 370 and Kashmir, SIR, the Ken_Betwa protests. But on the 20th of July, this paranoia reached new heights (or lows) when the full might of the state was unleashed on young students, and blood was spilt on the streets of Delhi, all over a protest against India's rancid and corrupt examinations system.

By this unjustifed violence the government has broken the contract with its citizens. Sovereign violence is to be used against enemies of the state, and not against its own children. A government which cannot differentiate between the two has finally exposed its fascist, illiberal, intolerant and dictatorial nature, and the Jantar Mantar protests have shown it in all its ugly nakedness. Despite the prostitution of the darbari media and TV channels, the internet and Youtube have brought this to the doors of every Indian, and support for the students is only growing.

The unkindest cut of all (to the spirit of democracy)has been inflicted by none other than the Chief Justice of India himself, Justice Suryakant. Perhaps this should have been expected, for it was his earlier intemperate remark about cockroaches that has led to this spiral of events in the first place. Responding to a PIL by a lawyer asking for an inquiry into the police excesses of 20th July, the CJI peremptorily dismissed it with the observation that he did not have the time to watch videos (of the police violence on protesters). This was a remark  callous and unbecoming of a person appointed to protect the constitutional rights of citizens. He was not being petitioned to watch a Kangana Ranaut movie, but to view the documented evidence of unlawful violence on unarmed teenagers, to seek answers from the government on questions that screamed out for answers: Who were the "brownshirts", masked and in civvies, who were allowed to beat up students with lathis and total impunity with the police watching? How did a truck laden with stones find its way to the high security Jantar Mantar area and who brought it? Why were peacefully marching students beaten up brutally without any provocation? Why did the policemen take off their name badges? What is the identity of the jawan who is seen ramming his baton between a young girl's legs even as she is walking away? What is the name of the DCP who walks up to one young girl and slaps her in the face for no reason at all? Where is the footage of protesters throwing stones and beating up policemen, as alleged by the government? Were illegal lethal weapons such as pellet guns, taser (electrically charged) batons and nail studded lathis used against the students? Who are the goons, in plainclothes, seen throwing stones and wrecking cars? Was there a deliberate attempt to discredit the protesters and provoke violence?

The refusal of the CJI to entertain this petition and seek answers to the questions above has thrown an obfuscatory veil over the events of 20th July not dissimilar to the white sheet used to cover the abduction of Sonam Wangchuk from Jantar Mantar by the same police. In contrast, however, credit must be given to the justices of the Delhi High Court who, on 22nd July, have admitted a similar petition and have issued notice to the government and the Delhi police (though it demanded an urgent hearing and not a four week notice).

This is a moment of inflection for the entire non-NDA opposition. They have to live up to it, which at the moment they do not appear to be doing. They cannot plough their own individual furrows, headed for nowhere, but must come together to offer counsel and guidance to these gallant students who are full of passion and sincerity but lack the experience of conducting long-drawn out protests. At the moment there is no sign of such a concerted action on the part of these parties, each of whom is trying to take credit and control of this movement. The Congress wants the agitation to come under its umbrella, the AAP feels this right is theirs as the legal heirs of the Anna movement, the SP and UBT Shiv Sena seem to have some reservations, the TMC is supportive but distant, the DMK will not sup with the Congress, even Sonam Wangchuk has called off his fast today, a not unexpected development since he had  started blowing hot and cold of late (in my view he has probably struck a deal with the government about his personal future in Ladakh. In any case, he has now become irrelevant to the movement).

The entire Opposition should realise (as these youngsters have) that the rules of the game have changed. The government will not abide by its part of the contract: it will not conduct fair elections, it has suborned all agencies of governance, it has defenestrated all constitutional institutions, it has rendered the entire judiciary submissive, it has bought over the media, it has made the use of sovereign violence its greatest persuader, it refuses to be held accountable. With these rules the Opposition has become superfluous, it can never win an election or preserve even a semblance of democracy in the country. It can no longer wage a struggle in Parliament, or the Election Commission or the Supreme Court- these institutions have been hollowed out and can no longer serve the purpose for which they were created. It can no longer fight a fair electoral contest- the game now has to change to one of resistance in the public arena- in Jantar Mantar, Parade Grounds, Azad Maidan, Freedom Park, Ramlila Maidan, Swami Sivavananda Salai, Dharna Chowk, Gandhi Maidan. The students are already there, and doing a fine job; it is the responsibility of the main opposition parties to join them there. Credit can be apportioned or shared when the monster has been vanquished.

"There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood leads on to fortune..." Rahul Gandhi has no doubt read this quote from Shakespeare, he now needs to embrace it. The students at Jantar Mantar have created this tide, it is now for him to rally the other Opposition parties, national and regional, to seize the moment. The game has changed, and playing by the BJP's new rules will get them nowhere. The Empire has already begin to strike back, using its bottomless bag of tricks: another 20 companies of CRPF have reportedly been flown in to Delhi, the Police Commissioner has been given powers under NSA to detain people for 12 months without trial, it has been stated that passports of detained protesters will be cancelled, a petition has been filed in the Delhi High Court seeking an NIA investigation into the funding of the CJP (Cockroach Janata Party) protests. More can be expected: curbs on YouTube channels on their reporting, profiling of protesters and visits to their parents, debarring them from admissions or sitting for examinations. It is not possible to resist the resources of a modern state for very long. Very soon the tide will begin to turn, and then the opportunity will have been lost - for ever.